When the King of the Throne Gets Pissed Off

Posted: January 5, 2011 in culture, Popular Culture
Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

The King's Toilet Humor

Warning gentlemen, because you don’t want this shittiest thing to happen to you that will totally piss you off  and your pants too. It will just ruin your time and swear the toilet designer who made your restroom throne to get himself flushed in the toilet he made. You should as well be reminded that the urinal is for pissing and the toilet is for shitting.

After a wonderful chat with friends I haven’t seen for years, over supper and over coffee, I have to find my self the coziest place to attend to the call of nature. So, we dined and drunk coffee al fresco in that posh mall in Makati. afterwhich, my bladder just happened to be swelling and my tummy crumbling after that lovely cup of coffee lubricated what was stuck there in my stomach. 

I have to ask the waiter where the nearest water closet is. But, they are all inside the mall. Chatting with balikbayan friends was just really awesome that we couldn’t leave each other. I just have to keep my tummy shut, until we bid each other goodbyes. So we parted ways, I went inside the mall. For customer’s convenience, I have to commend the architect for placing the restrooms near the doorways. Easy access really.

The restroom is well maintained. The wide mirror over the wall is just inviting to the user to keep his poise. The floor is not slimy in its black granite, contrasting the upper cream painted wall and the white ceiling. The lightings provide a relaxing and soothing ambiance in its low keys. The soft tone would really melt the hardest  masculine to try vanity. The wash area is luxuriously grand with silver toned faucets.

I was not there critique the restroom, my intent was purely natural and human. I need to take a leak and dump the shit out from me.  I passed the wash area, I passed the urinal area, then silently got in the toilet. Damn it was too small. But, then I was pleased seeing that the tissue roller was not empty. The toilet seat was clean and tidy and using automated flush as well. All is well.

I unbuckled my belt, unbottoned my pants, opened my fly then dropped them down to my knees. I pulled the toilet seat down, and sat. Ohhh! That was joy, I leaked as any normal human being would. Then bombs away. I pulled some tissue to wipe my rose. Ah! I sighed, what a relief!  Then as I was about to pull my undies with my pants up. Oh the shittiest thing in my life!

My pants were wet, and I noticed the floor was wet. I knew that in the other cubicle there was also another man who answered the same call of nature. Well he must have heard it somewhere else. I could not immideately leave, I pulled some more tissue and damp my the wet part of my pants to dry. Then, I heard a man was so freaking mad outside, to the tune of the blowing dryer. There was another voice.

“What happened? You pissed on your pants?”  The first man replied, “Damn man I never pissed on my pants in my entire life. That shitty toilet brought all these.” So I was not alone, I probably stayed inside for 15 minutes, wondering what the guy was wearing that and how he dried his pants off. A wide portion of the buttside of my pants were genereously.

Thanks to the microfibre, that my trousers were easy to dry. They were still damp when I left the toilet. I passed the toilet users like nothing happened. I have to pull my tight small shirt to farthest that it can go down, so at least it would not be noticeable. I didn’t even bother to look at people.

Outside, I have to stand there for a while, smoking and waiting for the wind to blow the wetness of my pants away. Of course I stood behind the wall where nobody else would pass by my back.  A friend texted me, for dinner. Should I text back or call for emergency that she buy my pants or jacket as cover. In my anxiety, I just had to pretend I missed the message. I waited for the right timing where the hall is clear and no one would be walking behind me. In the darkness, literally pissed I took a cab and went home.

Funny really which could be just another toilet humor. Coincidence or accident? No it was an anomaly. Ergondynamics is a concept of industrial design. The fabrication of tools that we need to go about life must be designed specifically to meet the need. The toilet is not really for pissing. But when we piss before we shit. The toilets will vary, the variation will depend on the laws of physics and the biometrics. Its not just about style and elegance, because there is no elegance in walking with peed pants. 

On biometrics, the designer should think of the width of the butt, the weight of the persons using it, the size of the dick. On physical laws, where the ass hole points, the trajectory of the piss coming from a full bladder among many others. Frankly, designers should have these tried several times by several different people.   For that shitty designer of that bloody toilet, take a look at the variance of the toilet seats in the world. That is so far the worst toilet seat I have ever sat on.If not just get rid of them and make them flower pots or make use of them such as these.

  1. loricapuno says:


  2. Lebo says:

    This is a brilliant piece of shit! LOL You’ve got such a creative way of putting ordinary things in writing. Keep doing what you do best.

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